Eve I See It On
Today, communication with our landlord solidified what we knew was likely on it’s way. Our transition of home is now in full swing. We’ve yet to know where we’re going, but do know what we are doing to get there.
These trials are nothing new to us. We’ve paddled through this creek before, and found our landing. This time around, we have much to be thankful for. Our landlord is a patient and understanding individual, though he is still running a business (which is to be respected). So as we’ve experienced landlords who are heartless in their words and actions– this man is upstanding, trusting, and willing to see us through this in a peaceful way. We honor him for ever giving us a chance here. Having walked into his office, laying our cards out on the table: bad credit, 2 evictions, self-employment (inconsistent income). A family of three, a will of one, and a dream for many. Two-grand monthly in rent, utilities an addend. All parties agreed, and so our boat took to become a ship– and off we sailed on this year-and-a-half journey. What a trip!
The dream we aim to accomplish, surely did not reach its peak here. Somehow I am at peace with this. For the feeling I’ve had for the past six months, is that this universe and its people -most importantly- are not aligned with our grand vision. Fear is ruling this plane. A lot attributes to this emotional fire, that about burns us all. Economic “hardship”, fearful foretelling of the few years to come, natural disaster, selfish motives of the masses and the controlling structures of society. With all of this mounting, the majority of the world is selfishly set on their own objectives. Which is understandable, but does not sync with our vision for this “Hall of the Gods”. Now is not the time. A greater cleansing is needed before “all” are able to awaken to the power to harness that fear, and mulch it into a fertilizer for the soul of creation.
(I suppose that is why we always held back on a public declaration of this location as “Hall of the Gods”. We knew this was “4th & 4th”. Delving deeper into the foundation of a great dream for the future– working its way in the present.)
So our focus will align with the masses, until the time passes. Treading on self-fulfillment, pursuing a retainer for our immediate surroundings.
What had hung me up, and held me back in full pursuit of our ambitions here- is the sacrifice of family. While we are in prime structuring phase, our children coming to be- young in years -it is most imperative for us to nurture our bond and their growth into being. I have felt torn; worn. Wanting to be the patient and present Mother. Yet, having committed myself to a larger role and finding myself overwhelmed.
Still, with the relief I feel- the tears are shed. When Christopher came in from his phone call with the landlord today, we felt one another– the inevitable answer to move forth. It was a saddening moment, as even his eyes bore watershed. We’ve grown together through so much. These intense times of transition are now the calmest. The tension is still present, yet we have a hold on our bearings for the hills to climb. We know there is a plateau, just a matter of moving like a mechanism– no sense in counting your steps, spacing the time, or serving the odds. Rebirth and evolution are in the works.
While emoting with Christopher today, I expressed a realization to him. Of how my parents would always be at each other, or me- yet they never went through such turbulence as we. Working stable jobs, living on social security, a house being payed toward their name(s), cars in the garage, money to spend. What a life of privilege. It wasn’t enough for their minds, they still ate away at their nails, for all they didn’t do. Fought for the petty games they played. Kept their child well subdued. What a generation to stem from, shell away, and surpass. Blessings for that havoc to be past, as we mend the future.
