Poetically Poised

“Drawing Life” - 25.08.2010

Jacqueline Pollard — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 08:23:54 +0000

"Drawing Life" - 25.08.2010

Originally uploaded by PoeticallyPoised

Self portrait. Showing the meditative, otherworldly state of the two-in-one stasis that is pregnancy. Grasping for some semblance of this life one holds inside; the hypnotic power that one may draw in the amplified moments of birth.

The drawing is of my own creation. A composition of Christopher (my husband) and I, started January 2008 & completed December 2009. Depicting our culmination of opposing worlds: Taurus/Scorpio - Earth/Water.

“Little Girl Now”

Jacqueline Pollard — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 03:43:24 +0000

About a week ago, Krislynn took the initiative to grow up and out of babyhood. Sure she has lived the, “I’m a big girl now!”, slogan- being potty trained since she was 1 1/2 years old. Though now her mentality has caught up with her reality.

Ever since she was born, we’ve sung her a lullaby. One Christopher’s Mom would sing to him as a child. Apparently it originates from the Mormon religion, but it has a great wholesome perspective of positivity.

“Oo-oo-ooh little baby,
Close your eyes.
Oo-oo-ooh little baby,
Dream of paradise.

Mommy is here with you,
Daddy is right here too.

Oo-oo-ooh little baby,
Close your eyes.”

While Christopher was still recovering from his DKA episode, I went about putting Krislynn down for a nap one afternoon. She started saying, “Little girl song now.” I hadn’t the slightest idea what she was referring to, at first. After asking her to reiterate her request a few times, it finally hit me. She no longer wanted to be sung to sleep as a “little baby”, but as a “little girl”. Ever since, she has insisted on this when we sing her to bed.

We are definitely feeling a sense of melancholy in this, even still. Our little baby is a little girl; she has been for awhile. Yet, she is now conscious of this- and just before her baby sibling is born. Really it’s perfect timing, and it is beautiful she has chosen to recognize her progression without external influence. I am proud of her growth, but she will surely always be out little baby. <3

A few weeks before this, she had also begun to insist we call her by her full name. “Krislynn Night now.” Which was flattering- as we’re glad she appreciates the name we gave her.

Health Harbor

Jacqueline Pollard — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 11:17:33 +0000

An interesting bind of time we’re in. As this “intense” Mercury Retrograde has begun it’s lapse- our surroundings seem to be floundering for direction.

Our second child is due for entrance at any time. The choice is all its own. As we have so patiently awaited, other bits of our lives seem to pose challenge to this momentous event.

Christopher went without his insulin for 2 days. He’s lasted longer in the past without being medicated. It is obvious his body is unfit to hold strong under such conditions any longer. This short span of time has taken its toll- and he has been quite ill in these last 24 hours. Hurling quite consistently, though such has luckily tapered down in recent hours. He is most definitely dehydrated, suffering from Diabetic Keto-Acidosis. So I have given him a sodium bicarbonate solution to drink, with hopes that he can hold it down long enough to begin refueling his electrolyte balance. His sugar levels have feverishly kept up. Though he hasn’t eaten in a day, his sugar levels keep challenging us on the up-and-up. I have been administering insulin into his system by the hour(s). We’ve seen his lowest registered sugar level since this morning: 377 now down to 203.

I am hoping his condition continues to improve. As he’s not vomiting nearly as often, I really want to see him keep down some nourishment now. Otherwise a hospital visit is in order. He is certainly holding out on this- we both are- for the prime reason that if he’s admitted he’ll surely be under their supervision for a good few days (if not longer considering he had just visited in late May). This could mean he will miss the birth of our child…

Krislynn has been outstanding through this. I haven’t explained much, for her to be innately synced up with the goings-on. She’s very aware of her Father’s condition for being 3. She understands his sugar is high, and he may have to go to the hospital. The whole day my concentration was on Christopher, and she simply let us be in our bedroom. Any time she’d peek in on us, she was so quiet, and would always close the door behind her- knowing space is needed. While she can be very energetic, the “center of attention”, and striving for a dramatic show- in times of true intensity she really holds an earthy calm. I am so appreciative toward her wisdom.

None-the-less, by 8PM I was at my wits end. Between a sickly husband, child in need, dogs at my feet, and baby in my belly… I felt wrung out. Shouted profanities at the top of my lungs, cursing how selfish people are, clenching my fists and tensing my back so much it still aches. I can get ugly, but I’d rather momentarily feed the fire- than singe out as my mind, body and soul slowly melt away.

Oh dear. Please allow all to align for the health of our whole. I could really use this unity- I could really use the peace.

Cos-Mo-bile

Jacqueline Pollard — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 10:31:48 +0000

11.08.2010 - Cos-Mo-bile

Originally uploaded by PoeticallyPoised

“Patience for this passage of life: When the will of soul evokes this being- the force of tension may stride baby free.” -Poetically Poised

Most all are anxious for the date of arrival. Questioning whether it is here, now, yesterday or in the moments to come. I am quite calm with time, as I harbor this life for the last tread before birth.

There is plenty to be done, still. This evening I finalized the mobile for the bassinet. Placing one more layer of preparation on this waiting game. I am a procrastinator. I will find it quite fitting if this child comes right as all aligns– there are rarely surprises in life, only denial to the synchronous.

Dom-dom-dom-dom: Random Blurbs of Me! (25 exactly + emphasis)

Jacqueline Pollard — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 07:06:34 +0000

1. The number one defines me, as an “only child”. Which has certainly defined my character, especially as my parents have fallen away from my life.

2. Deep introspection evokes my creative flow. Being an introvert allows me to grasp this wave and ride it.

3. Beyond the comfort of myself, I do crave connection. While my child would love to fuse with the world, I am fulfilled by my soul-mate and our fusion of family.

4. & so family means the world to me. Not in the traditional sense- as I have no relation with my parents. Blood is only skin deep. Our souls in connection is the source of what I see as the true familial bond, beyond the physical realm & into infinity.

5. Life is a lesson. Through all experiences I have gained more to draw from. The “bigger picture” is seeing beyond, and down into the depths. Acknowledging my emotions, firstly. & then seeking the multitude of possibilities, whilst transitioning with the outcomes. Allowing my perception to constantly change, aligning with my life as it unravels– not holding myself to what is “suppose to be”, but growing alongside the developments.

6. Intuition has been my guiding light. Whether it be a “gut feeling”, the force of angelic beings, or the ever-existing-infinite-all

, maybe I’m programmed, or the chemicals in my brain dynamically feeding into these notions that send me forth. No matter the definition, my will has been the way. As I have seen many a door and window, choosing which I WILL walk through– and on and on.

7. Speaking of “guiding light”. My name, Jacqueline, means “Guardian of Light”.

8. The irony is those of superstitious mentality, would cackle at such a definition- as I was born on Friday the 13th. I have, however, experienced the balanced power in this date with destiny.

9. I am most often misunderstood. I have often been referred to as “unique” and “mysterious”.

10. My Mother has both insight and insanity. Though she has given me much of my inner faith. The idea of intuition, and reinforcement of this practice. The knowledge and inadvertent guidance towards my belief of personal existence. Her insanity stems from the inability to live by her own strength, instead sabotaging herself for the twisted sense of self-pity.

11. My Father has humor and a hole in his heart. My foolish antics certainly stem from him. To act a fool, as a tool for the high of laughter- firstly for thyself, and others alike. Though he continues to fall through the hole in his heart- leading him on a loveless journey, into the depths of loneliness, sickness, and despair. If he could harness this hole as an opening, the love would come pouring in, and flowing out.

12. These parents of mine have certainly impacted my being. They have given me a great deal to consider and expand upon. I don’t really see them as my parents these days- outside of blood relation. Rather, they are my creators. I have grown from them, and beyond them.

13. Born November, Friday the 13th. My Mother would tell me I was, “Born on a Lucky Star”– attempting to counteract the negative notions my peers would place on me for such a birthdate. Though she has little-to-no knowledge of the Zodiac, I came to find she wasn’t far off. At the heart of the Scorpio constellation lies a star, Antares. The 15th brightest star in our sky, and second largest.

“From an embracing transcendent perspective, Antares is the administrate seat directing the education of the incarnate souls regarding application of raw creative power. Antares oversees and stimulates the use of raw creative forces and use of power so that we can learn what is required for our true incarnational freedom and to become responsible creators of it.” - Nick Anthony Fiorenza, The Lunar Planner

14. I once had an interest in Astronomy- but found it lacked a certain sense of spirit. Astrology bears the balance I desire. With that being said, I just spent a 1/2 hour reading on the different cultural-astrological views of Antares– and have momentarily lost the muse in writing this random self-explanatory bit.

15. Which is why I heavily agree with Einstein’s quote, “Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.”

16. Quotes are the majority of the reading material I seek. Bits of wisdom and thought, from various folk, during various times. It is assuring to see the synchronicity between our being, and wonderful to see the different context in which all can be described.

17….Reminds me of our daughter, Krislynn Night. As she was born on 1/17/2007. A date we’d projected for her birth, but never held onto it with desperate desire. So on the morning of, breaking my water at 7AM, I was in some state of disbelief. Her timing was so perfect, so “planned”, yet unexpected. So I rode out the experience, neither resisting nor forcing– just being. The most empowering and spiritual experiences of my life. At home, all natural– with the presence of some lovely people, and the balance of nothing going as “planned”. It was a state of ecstasy, which I attribute to my willingness to experience such with the light of soul- instead of the gravitation of body.

18. My writing style is quite explanatory/lengthy. People encourage me to write a book– One day… one day. For now, I’m in experience- not so much of documentation.

19. At this point, I am very hungry. It is 4:05AM, and I am a pregnant Mom-Goose. Because of this need for nourishment, I am certainly out of the frame of mind to be very insightful.

20. Our midwife is a blessing. She was present for Krislynn’s birth. In her presence she shares courage and compassion. Which reminds me, I need to call her to let her know of our move.

21. Yes, indeed– we have vacated 4th&4th. A much needed transition, which brings me and my Family peace. I am thankful for the experiences, highlights, and upsets in the 1 year + 4 months we were present, pursuing the grandest part of our all encompassing dream. What is aligning at this time is the need for everyone to be personally fulfilled, not communally aligned. For us, moving on is a transitional advancement in our approach. To “GlowitheFlow”.

22. The three of us have been much happier with this change. Our moments are again shared, instead of objectively ruled. With the coming of our 4th addition, all is synchronous in the succession of life. It has been interesting, the people who have become apart of our lives as of late– Family certainly seems to be the theme of our year.

23…Christopher’s favorite number. He is a great part of my expanded self. Knowing him, being with him is what I longed for as a child- and knew to be in time. We are complete opposites in the Zodiac: Taurus/Scorpio. The way we see it, we are cosmically so far apart, yet back-to-back… all we had to do was turn around, and there stands the other. Our life together seems eternal in experiences, even though the measure in time is short lived. Our bond is certainly beyond this reality.

24. This child in my womb is incredibly active. As I’ve said, “Krislynn was a stretcher, this one is a swimmer.” It will be fun to see who pops out next month. Khronus Infinidee, or Kyrie Sol. Some have had dreams, most everyone projects a boy. Though I have no expectations, just the patience to know when the time is right– boy or girl, what a wonder they will be to know.

25. I enjoy this time in life. Everything that has lead up to this point chronicles the progression of this story-like unfolding of life. It is all meant to be, because I let it be- as I am choosing to be, coming into me.

Eve I See It On

Jacqueline Pollard — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 08:21:45 +0000

Today, communication with our landlord solidified what we knew was likely on it’s way. Our transition of home is now in full swing. We’ve yet to know where we’re going, but do know what we are doing to get there.

These trials are nothing new to us. We’ve paddled through this creek before, and found our landing. This time around, we have much to be thankful for. Our landlord is a patient and understanding individual, though he is still running a business (which is to be respected). So as we’ve experienced landlords who are heartless in their words and actions– this man is upstanding, trusting, and willing to see us through this in a peaceful way. We honor him for ever giving us a chance here. Having walked into his office, laying our cards out on the table: bad credit, 2 evictions, self-employment (inconsistent income). A family of three, a will of one, and a dream for many. Two-grand monthly in rent, utilities an addend. All parties agreed, and so our boat took to become a ship– and off we sailed on this year-and-a-half journey. What a trip!

The dream we aim to accomplish, surely did not reach its peak here. Somehow I am at peace with this. For the feeling I’ve had for the past six months, is that this universe and its people -most importantly- are not aligned with our grand vision. Fear is ruling this plane. A lot attributes to this emotional fire, that about burns us all. Economic “hardship”, fearful foretelling of the few years to come, natural disaster, selfish motives of the masses and the controlling structures of society. With all of this mounting, the majority of the world is selfishly set on their own objectives. Which is understandable, but does not sync with our vision for this “Hall of the Gods”. Now is not the time. A greater cleansing is needed before “all” are able to awaken to the power to harness that fear, and mulch it into a fertilizer for the soul of creation.

(I suppose that is why we always held back on a public declaration of this location as “Hall of the Gods”. We knew this was “4th & 4th”. Delving deeper into the foundation of a great dream for the future– working its way in the present.)

So our focus will align with the masses, until the time passes. Treading on self-fulfillment, pursuing a retainer for our immediate surroundings.

What had hung me up, and held me back in full pursuit of our ambitions here- is the sacrifice of family. While we are in prime structuring phase, our children coming to be- young in years -it is most imperative for us to nurture our bond and their growth into being. I have felt torn; worn. Wanting to be the patient and present Mother. Yet, having committed myself to a larger role and finding myself overwhelmed.

Still, with the relief I feel- the tears are shed. When Christopher came in from his phone call with the landlord today, we felt one another– the inevitable answer to move forth. It was a saddening moment, as even his eyes bore watershed. We’ve grown together through so much. These intense times of transition are now the calmest. The tension is still present, yet we have a hold on our bearings for the hills to climb. We know there is a plateau, just a matter of moving like a mechanism– no sense in counting your steps, spacing the time, or serving the odds. Rebirth and evolution are in the works.

While emoting with Christopher today, I expressed a realization to him. Of how my parents would always be at each other, or me- yet they never went through such turbulence as we. Working stable jobs, living on social security, a house being payed toward their name(s), cars in the garage, money to spend. What a life of privilege. It wasn’t enough for their minds, they still ate away at their nails, for all they didn’t do. Fought for the petty games they played. Kept their child well subdued. What a generation to stem from, shell away, and surpass. Blessings for that havoc to be past, as we mend the future.