Yesterday evening, “Off with her Hair!”

There are pin-pricks that just pinch my surface, and vibrate down to the bone. What an incessant ache.

“Money is the route of all evil.” Any materials linked to the expenditure of money, often lead to greed and thievery.

What’s worse: the kind act of giving, with the evil intent of wanting to reap reward.

Running after redemption, only leads in circles. Redemption feeds on self-satisfaction. Actions working with these hidden-causes, only ignite a larger void. This selfishness brings everyone in our vicinity down, into a pit of greed and guilt.

———————————————-

For a person who doesn’t have much to account for, there sure are a lot of people looking to me for rewards.

We operate in a world of “give + take”. More often, this world’s equation is “give + take²”. We expect to reap the benefits of a reward, for such a great act as giving. How loathsome of us.

For these reasons, primarily, I operate on a strict ration of “give to others² + give to myself (refuse gifts + obligation(guilt))”.

I have sacrificed this practice, for my own greed on occassion. When I have struggled financially, I have taken in places I knew there would be negative repercussion. Presented as gifts; my gut gives me an unsettling insight into the true target.

So, when my Mother-in-law looks for the “thanks” so exceedingly, that she attempts to initiate the gesture with bitterness in her words… I take in that moment. I account for all of the times I have shown my thanks in words and actions. Though guilt still plays a role in my life, and it’s a victimized state of mind that swallows you.

These days, I don’t take in that load of crap. It makes me gag. My gut forewarned me, and I’m not about to ingest the scraps of someones self-gratification.

Today, I ponder paying her a visit. She will get back everything she’s ever given me with a, “Thanks Mary, I have appreciated these. However, they have come with too much obligation and guilt. So I’m giving these back to you, in hopes that we can both let go of those negative emotions; proceed onward with love and appreciation.”