"Drawing Life" - 25.08.2010

Originally uploaded by PoeticallyPoised

Self portrait. Showing the meditative, otherworldly state of the two-in-one stasis that is pregnancy. Grasping for some semblance of this life one holds inside; the hypnotic power that one may draw in the amplified moments of birth.

The drawing is of my own creation. A composition of Christopher (my husband) and I, started January 2008 & completed December 2009. Depicting our culmination of opposing worlds: Taurus/Scorpio - Earth/Water.

About a week ago, Krislynn took the initiative to grow up and out of babyhood.  Sure she has lived the, “I’m a big girl now!”, slogan- being potty trained since she was 1 1/2 years old.  Though now her mentality has caught up with her reality. 

Ever since she was born, we’ve sung her a lullaby.   One Christopher’s Mom would sing to him as a child.  Apparently it originates from the Mormon religion, but it has a great wholesome perspective of positivity.

“Oo-oo-ooh little baby,
Close your eyes.
Oo-oo-ooh little baby,
Dream of paradise.

Mommy is here with you,
Daddy is right here too.

Oo-oo-ooh little baby,
Close your eyes.”

While Christopher was still recovering from his DKA episode, I went about putting Krislynn down for a nap one afternoon.  She started saying, “Little girl song now.”  I hadn’t the slightest idea what she was referring to, at first.  After asking her to reiterate her request a few times, it finally hit me.  She no longer wanted to be sung to sleep as a “little baby”, but as a “little girl”.  Ever since, she has insisted on this when we sing her to bed.

We are definitely feeling a sense of melancholy in this, even still.  Our little baby is a little girl; she has been for awhile.  Yet, she is now conscious of this- and just before her baby sibling is born.  Really it’s perfect timing, and it is beautiful she has chosen to recognize her progression without external influence.  I am proud of her growth, but she will surely always be out little baby.  <3

A few weeks before this, she had also begun to insist we call her by her full name.  “Krislynn Night now.”  Which was flattering- as we’re glad she appreciates the name we gave her. 

An interesting bind of time we’re in.  As this “intense” Mercury Retrograde has begun it’s lapse- our surroundings seem to be floundering for direction. 

Our second child is due for entrance at any time.  The choice is all its own.  As we have so patiently awaited, other bits of our lives seem to pose challenge to this momentous event. 

Christopher went without his insulin for 2 days.  He’s lasted longer in the past without being medicated.  It is obvious his body is unfit to hold strong under such conditions any longer.  This short span of time has taken its toll- and he has been quite ill in these last 24 hours.  Hurling quite consistently, though such has luckily tapered down in recent hours.  He is most definitely dehydrated, suffering from Diabetic Keto-Acidosis.  So I have given him a sodium bicarbonate solution to drink, with hopes that he can hold it down long enough to begin refueling his electrolyte balance.  His sugar levels have feverishly kept up.  Though he hasn’t eaten in a day, his sugar levels keep challenging us on the up-and-up.  I have been administering insulin into his system by the hour(s).  We’ve seen his lowest registered sugar level since this morning: 377 now down to 203.

I am hoping his condition continues to improve.  As he’s not vomiting nearly as often, I really want to see him keep down some nourishment now.  Otherwise a hospital visit is in order.  He is certainly holding out on this- we both are- for the prime reason that if he’s admitted he’ll surely be under their supervision for a good few days (if not longer considering he had just visited in late May).  This could mean he will miss the birth of our child…

Krislynn has been outstanding through this.  I haven’t explained much, for her to be innately synced up with the goings-on.  She’s very aware of her Father’s condition for being 3.  She understands his sugar is high, and he may have to go to the hospital.  The whole day my concentration was on Christopher, and she simply let us be in our bedroom.  Any time she’d peek in on us, she was so quiet, and would always close the door behind her- knowing space is needed.  While she can be very energetic, the “center of attention”, and striving for a dramatic show- in times of true intensity she really holds an earthy calm.  I am so appreciative toward her wisdom. 

None-the-less, by 8PM I was at my wits end.  Between a sickly husband, child in need, dogs at my feet, and baby in my belly… I felt wrung out.  Shouted profanities at the top of my lungs, cursing how selfish people are, clenching my fists and tensing my back so much it still aches.  I can get ugly, but I’d rather momentarily feed the fire- than singe out as my mind, body and soul slowly melt away.

Oh dear.  Please allow all to align for the health of our whole.  I could really use this unity- I could really use the peace.