Yesterday was a full day. Hectic in some ways, none the less.

We hosted our first shin-dig in over 10 months. It was a fine affair, though quaint. Filled with family, and some good friends.

Procrastinating, my day was filled with several task prior to festivities. Sleeping in until 11AM took some priority. Having several lucid- yet insightful dreams was my awakening. So I set to work on cleaning, while Krislynn and Christopher slept. After doing a little yard-sale shopping (buying Krislynn a potato head pack), we set out for the nitty-gritty. Getting BBQ supplies, whilst handling our laundry. I never did get around to taking a shower and wearing those clean-dry clothes. That’s the reality of a procrastinator: simple things are of lesser concern, when the bigger value is up to bat.

Hustle and bustle, all day long. Phone calls from those unable to show, something I’ve grown accustomed to. Nobody showed on-time and we were thankful, for we are rarely punctual.

In hindsight, I always analyse myself. Continuing to encounter the person inside, who likes it just that way. An introvert of sorts, always and forever. Still, there is this part of me that loves to entertain. I’ve been a goof, a dork, plain perverted– though most often now, a hostess. When the bodies flow in, I am most often concentrating on ways to mellow out. Really, I procrastinate for the ability to be involved in my duties. To gain my bearings prior to the on-take of guests. These days, I would assume I appear rather worn. No denying it. Though I am really just fulfilled. Merely observing for the most part, and being grateful for the environment I harness. Bearing the ability to bring people together, no matter the cause. Connecting energy and spirit.

There is always an ideal separation from reality. Imagining the power of a huge collective in celebration, like the tribes of ruins. To connect with a friend on this wanted transmission, and to know it’s a dream worth working towards. I may be an “only child”, but I bear the desire to grace everyone with the power and presence of oneanother.

A Refreshed Reflection.

Some never quite got off their feet, into flight. My parents happen to be a great example of why not to wither. This aging has nothing to do with time, but perception and will.

My Mother reemerged in my life a little over a year ago. Prior to that point, I had last spoken to her when I was 6 months pregnant with Krislynn.

From an early age, I witnessed her manifestation of negative ironies in life. Her influence perplexed me. While her mentality dwindled downward, I was wrapped up in her wrath. Over the years I distanced myself, for lack of a better solution. She has always sought me out, and been damned to infringe on my boundaries.

There is a sense of responsibility that I am hung up on. Through experiences, I have repeatedly learned she is not more than my Mother. I do not account for her; I will not. My declarations have had to sever the strong hold she lays over me.

While I know not the entirety of her life since our initial breaking. I do know she has lived amongst the streets, and under the control of government agencies for her inability to sustain a societal lifestyle. She feels so entitled, and as “independent” as she claims she is– She is asking to live with her 21 year-old daughter, son-in-law and Grand-child.

Simply-put. So much history bound in pain and mistrust lies between us. She has yet to gain the patience to hear my experience. I have yet to accept her claims that, “It was out of my control.” She continues to make it quite clear, she has yet to gain much self-control.

I am most accountable for myself. My actions, words and desires have created this world [of mine] and it’s people. Krislynn Night is heavily influenced by my world, while she is now creating her own. My childhood memories constantly remind me of the self I must control, esteem and express.

For those who continue to wind towards a self-pity, for lack of self-worth. To search for redemption in the hands and hearts of others, through bitter words and wallowing ways. “Neutralize, energize, and release!”