The sum of recent communications with my Father…
First, something I wrote back in early October. Which I thought I needed to continue with, at the time, but have realized through recently reading it for the first time myself… That it says all that needs to be:
You are my Father, just as I am your daughter. There in no denying that truth, for everyone knows it. You defined that role for yourself the day I was born, whether anyone likes it or not. I love it though, just as I love you. You have provided me with much to learn from, and aspirations of a great being to be.
Through experience is how we all gain greater wisdom. Nobody can truly know the truth, until they’ve gotten down into the thick of it. So you may have wanted to “protect” me from harms way, but it’s an inevitability, that I will seek it out, however subconsciously. My soul yearns to know the depths of the sea, and I want to SEE everything.
After all of these years, you no longer have to nag and push me towards communicating with my Mother. I pushed her away again last Thanksgiving. It hurt and I was confused, but hanging on to all of that distrust and anger from the past. So slightly, but it was still there eating away at my relationship with her. Opportunities missed.
We wanted to have our baby at home, without any drugs, under the supervision of our choice. We wanted no interference with our child’s entrance into this world, so much that we didn’t have the gender revealed. I have never held so much power in the “unknown”, as I did during those 9 months. People love a sense of security, and that is what science has given us. Though I know there are costs, and we don’t care what ongoing tests are being performed, so long as we’re left with the “truth”. Life is an adventure to be had by all. That is why we’re all here. Not for the sake of knowing, but experiencing. And what a wonderful experience receiving life, living life and giving life can be.
I was brought up without religion, and in effect, with little faith. I have gladly found my own way of thinking, but I can still struggle to gather my thoughts at the end of the day. You did always say that, “prayer is a form of meditation”. I am finally taking that into deeper consideration. Can you tell? I am actually sitting here sharing my thoughts with you. I must say it feels wonderful, no matter your position.
You may not want to be disturbed, but I do care to make myself apart of your life. I have been told by many sources, now, that it is therapeutic to write letters to those who’ve pained you. Though I never did it for one reason. The later part of that exercise was to simply throw the letter away, or lock them into a box. That never rang true to me. I don’t see bliss in ignorance.
As you have sat there, completely oblivious to my true experience of life, I am sure you have made your assumptions. Everyone plays their role in the game of judgment. Still, I can choose to let you into my life. Despite your reactions, I will go on living with great pride and satisfaction.
I don’t think you’ve ever actually read a composition of mine. Despite the fact that my skills flourished during my time with you. So, be forewarned this can be a novel of sorts. I’m sure that is already quite apparent.
The dogs have adjusted fine. Monkey took to the new situation instantly, as soon as he saw me. Shadow took longer, but loves children, so Krislynn has helped him to adapt.
I thank you for giving the dogs to me, as I have cared for them all of this time… Just as I’ve cared for you.
We walk to La Madera park. This week it has been sparse, due to the rainy weather.
I would appreciate receiving the remainder of my belongings, including my Mother’s sewing machine and the large black (suit-case-like) portfolio with her artwork. I believe that was in the closet of my old room, as well. There was also a greyish-white file box, which held my ORIGINAL birth certificate, along with some writing material and old school work. Last I knew, that resided in the restroom.
If you would allow some advance notice, of when you will be arriving at Christopher’s Mother Mary’s house, that would be most respectful. You and I are the only ones involved in the core issues that exist, so for you to continuously converse with or attempt to coerce others (through letters), those such as Christopher or Mary, is rather immature and lacking true direction. Go to the source. And if you cannot get ahold of me through email, because it’s not a daily task for me to take these days, then simply ask the person you can get ahold of, such as Christopher, for a way to contact me. Or, give me your phone number. Because I haven’t had it for, going on, years. I can still remember 579-0182, however.
We hold different opinions, and beliefs. So, I would say that you made fair judgment by stating, “you don’t have to talk to me, it’s probably better that way”. Based on experience, we butt heads a little too often, and I don’t care to endure that drama. You are always going to try and have a say in my life, or what has happened. I simply don’t care. Anymore you make me laugh, in your attempts to have a dictation over my life.
I’m only willing to have healthy relationships. In result, I am a very healthy woman.
–
Jacqueline Mellars Granados Pollard
a.k.a.: PestilentProbe|LhommeMachine
COO & Founder, Hall of the Gods, Inc.
www.hallofgods.com
www.poeticallypoised.com
