It feels as if my system is on schedule.
The end of the year. Feels like the shit has been sucked out of me, and placed in front of me to grovel and cry over. Yes, I do choose.
Boy, my tone can change! Indeed I’m filled with varying emotions. These days I’ve made it a point to primarily record the more positive parts of myself. Though, I think I’ve just been lying and bottling it all up. I’m a very intense person. I know how others can experience me, and I know who and what I am.
I don’t care to tone down my personality. I don’t care to stop being me. When I truly live out those words, I will be left with the self I love to radiate in.
The more I keep myself in a cage… The more I want to combust.
What a hefty struggle to sustain… I’ve surly put myself to shame.
In all actuality, I am insane.
Everyone may know a name, but such details are quite plain.
To turn in, deeper…
They’ve all yet to truly see her.
Even I, only have an eye for everyone… except myself.
We can see the resemblance, but do we know our storytellers are our seers?
Doesn’t matter the scripture, the influence or the style.
Within the deepest parts of ourselves, we are in tune with one another.
When it is said that we do not operate on the full percentage of our brain, mind you, the other percentage is merely ticking in our subconscious. But to be a conscious being, fully, is our greatest aptitude.
I see the patterns in this world, and those that express themselves of it. Our future is presently here, if we take a step back and look onto the thoughts of our peers… and most importantly, ourselves.
When insanity hits us, or when we’re “intoxicated” under the likes of alcohol, cigarettes or any drug… That substance promotes a heavy tapping into the subconscious.
We all have experienced the brutally honest drunk, who can express memories you’ve never heard, emotions they rarely tend to, or the harsh reality of the way they perceive the world. Normally all of this lies dormant, and they seem like a completely different being.
I am thankful to my upbringing, my parents- their personalities, and every experience. Each chapter has foretold my greater growth, or demise. Seeing everyone as a reflection of yourself, helps to give empathy and tolerance, while providing a model.
Always striving for perfection, I have had the right goal, but without the proper vision. Flaws can be simple, or complex, but deeply rooted. To see the humor, is always a great way to cope; no matter with yourself, or another.
To achieve a fully open, conscious, tolerant, and happy self would be my ultimate goal. To hold a great calm and steady wave of thinking will ease the process. I do not know that every wound has been healed in the greatest leaders of peace and love… I would assume we all have to reap the lessons of pain, to be humane. To have experienced, to understand, is to truly know. With that being said, I know I will always have that pit in my soul. Loss, love, loss of love. That’s what fuels our desire in everything, especially the greater insanity that lies within us all.
First, something I wrote back in early October. Which I thought I needed to continue with, at the time, but have realized through recently reading it for the first time myself… That it says all that needs to be:
Admittingly, I have procured quite a scar on my soul because of the state of our relationship. I have inherited your tough exterior. I hide my pain within the depths of myself, and I don’t care to acknowledge it. Avoidance is a true burden to evolution. We avoid the truth, we avoid people, we avoid action. As a society, we’re all just a bunch of wimps. But I’m quite sick of cowering away to my den, only to burst out when the circumstances strike deep enough.
You are my Father, just as I am your daughter. There in no denying that truth, for everyone knows it. You defined that role for yourself the day I was born, whether anyone likes it or not. I love it though, just as I love you. You have provided me with much to learn from, and aspirations of a great being to be.
Through experience is how we all gain greater wisdom. Nobody can truly know the truth, until they’ve gotten down into the thick of it. So you may have wanted to “protect” me from harms way, but it’s an inevitability, that I will seek it out, however subconsciously. My soul yearns to know the depths of the sea, and I want to SEE everything.
After all of these years, you no longer have to nag and push me towards communicating with my Mother. I pushed her away again last Thanksgiving. It hurt and I was confused, but hanging on to all of that distrust and anger from the past. So slightly, but it was still there eating away at my relationship with her. Opportunities missed.
We wanted to have our baby at home, without any drugs, under the supervision of our choice. We wanted no interference with our child’s entrance into this world, so much that we didn’t have the gender revealed. I have never held so much power in the “unknown”, as I did during those 9 months. People love a sense of security, and that is what science has given us. Though I know there are costs, and we don’t care what ongoing tests are being performed, so long as we’re left with the “truth”. Life is an adventure to be had by all. That is why we’re all here. Not for the sake of knowing, but experiencing. And what a wonderful experience receiving life, living life and giving life can be.
I was brought up without religion, and in effect, with little faith. I have gladly found my own way of thinking, but I can still struggle to gather my thoughts at the end of the day. You did always say that, “prayer is a form of meditation”. I am finally taking that into deeper consideration. Can you tell? I am actually sitting here sharing my thoughts with you. I must say it feels wonderful, no matter your position.
You may not want to be disturbed, but I do care to make myself apart of your life. I have been told by many sources, now, that it is therapeutic to write letters to those who’ve pained you. Though I never did it for one reason. The later part of that exercise was to simply throw the letter away, or lock them into a box. That never rang true to me. I don’t see bliss in ignorance.
As you have sat there, completely oblivious to my true experience of life, I am sure you have made your assumptions. Everyone plays their role in the game of judgment. Still, I can choose to let you into my life. Despite your reactions, I will go on living with great pride and satisfaction.
I don’t think you’ve ever actually read a composition of mine. Despite the fact that my skills flourished during my time with you. So, be forewarned this can be a novel of sorts. I’m sure that is already quite apparent.
The dogs have adjusted fine. Monkey took to the new situation instantly, as soon as he saw me. Shadow took longer, but loves children, so Krislynn has helped him to adapt.
I thank you for giving the dogs to me, as I have cared for them all of this time… Just as I’ve cared for you.
We walk to La Madera park. This week it has been sparse, due to the rainy weather.
I would appreciate receiving the remainder of my belongings, including my Mother’s sewing machine and the large black (suit-case-like) portfolio with her artwork. I believe that was in the closet of my old room, as well. There was also a greyish-white file box, which held my ORIGINAL birth certificate, along with some writing material and old school work. Last I knew, that resided in the restroom.
If you would allow some advance notice, of when you will be arriving at Christopher’s Mother Mary’s house, that would be most respectful. You and I are the only ones involved in the core issues that exist, so for you to continuously converse with or attempt to coerce others (through letters), those such as Christopher or Mary, is rather immature and lacking true direction. Go to the source. And if you cannot get ahold of me through email, because it’s not a daily task for me to take these days, then simply ask the person you can get ahold of, such as Christopher, for a way to contact me. Or, give me your phone number. Because I haven’t had it for, going on, years. I can still remember 579-0182, however.
We hold different opinions, and beliefs. So, I would say that you made fair judgment by stating, “you don’t have to talk to me, it’s probably better that way”. Based on experience, we butt heads a little too often, and I don’t care to endure that drama. You are always going to try and have a say in my life, or what has happened. I simply don’t care. Anymore you make me laugh, in your attempts to have a dictation over my life.
I’m only willing to have healthy relationships. In result, I am a very healthy woman.
–
Jacqueline Mellars Granados Pollard
a.k.a.: PestilentProbe|LhommeMachine
COO & Founder, Hall of the Gods, Inc.
www.hallofgods.com
www.poeticallypoised.com
