So much of me is of a stubborn nature.  This has gotten me through many hardships, but I know it could easily be the ruin of me.

I am ever-conflicting in nature.  The surface of me is very timid, leery, caring, neutral, compassionate, protective, and sentimental.  Lurking underneath is an intense, emotionally perceptive, analytical, boisterous, deep, brutally honest yet mysterious self.  Many more descriptive words could be used, but this isn’t about descriptions.

My actions, or lack-there-of, is what’s hurting me now.  If it hurts me, it will hurt those around me. 

“You must love yourself, to love another.”
“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
“Actions speak louder than words.”
“For every action, there is a reaction.”

Everything is subject to interpretation, take it as you may,but I know more than ever what stands firm.  These simplistic phrases use to put knots in my stomach.  In my stubborn teen years, I refused to recognize the wisdom behind it all.  What’s simple often times possesses the most truth.

I am incredibly dissatisfied with myself at present time.  Realizing all the damage I have done to myself, that is the hardest thing to cope with. I’m only bitter with myself, but I realize how easy it is to “project”. 

Someone can say or ask me something, and I will snap at them without reason.  Not just someone, but he who I hold in highest regard and sees straight through me.  I hold Christopher there, because even with his faults he is the most admirable person I know.  I don’t aspire to be him, or like him.  I want to come into the knowledge of my true self, virtue, confidence, social poise, limitless expression and intellectual drive.  Really these are all things I already possess on my own, and always have. 

I am stuck in a whirlpool.  Everything “I am” and “want” circles around me.  The whirl is too fast for me to grab what I yearn for, and pull myself out. 

“I think, therefore I am…”

I have all the answers, but I keep sinking back into the comfort of being lost in silence.  Just as the past comforts us more than present or future, because we know what awaits us.

“Ignorance is bliss.”

Which is exactly the course of action I’ve recently chosen: ignoring myself.

“I am my worst critic.”

Critically speaking, I am accomplishing little-to-nothing by the end of my days.  That is the most dissatisfying way to live,
period.  I have endless amounts of personal and professional assignments, but I’m not allowing myself to get involved.  I want it, but I seem unwilling to work for any of it.  I’ve let myself slide so far into neutral.  That is why I don’t often post or write, because there aren’t any developments in my mind to speak of. 

More often, I am using my stubborn side to defend what I hate in me.  I am hyper-sensitive about my present flaws.  I am prone to snap when they’re pointed out.  This isn’t my way…
 
I’ve always been the first to see me as I am.  To recognize and laugh at my flaws, not build a wall around them.  I’ve made a fortress of fear, because the hardest truth to handle is that of your self. 

Now being eighteen and without a single familiarity of my past, I am on my own more than ever.  Yet, I now have a kindred spirit and the best knowledge of true friendship and love. 

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

Instinctively I feel the above phrase applies.  The balance of things only allows you to have one gift at a time.  To have both myself and companionship, that’d be an irregularity.  Maybe I’ll make it a rule, to automatically discredit any “wise one-liner” that associates itself with food. 

I feel that my whole generation, ages 14-22, is going through a defining point.  I know so many who are at a crossroads with themselves; with their lives.  We are battling with ourselves, before we enter the world’s battle.

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it, that in the process, he doesn’t become a monster.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

If we stay aware and steer clear of that more fatal of fates, we will evolve beyond generations prior.