The end of 2004 had wound down quite well. All the relationships I had were deteriorating, leaving me with little else in my life other than college. So, when 2005 came to be, it had no hype to it.

I was going through the motions and I felt quite alone. My first semester of college was over. I had struggled at the end, but made it. Although I was excited about my upcoming classes and what work they’d offer me, I wasn’t driven. I felt jaded and wasn’t passionate about much anymore. Any hobbies I enjoyed, I felt I no longer possessed enough “creativity” for.

All that became important in my world was my schooling. I had no friends to visit, and the main person I saw was my Father.

Even though I was at the best weight of my adolescence, I still somehow felt insecure. I was in college by the time I was 16, quite impressive to most I met. The idiotic problems of being in middle and high school were far behind me, and all that mattered was my future. Nothing in my present was stopping me! I was provided for by my Father, and he didn’t even want me to work. He just wanted me to go to college and get my degree. Simple, secure and leaving me feeling so lost.

My decision has been made about the way I am to approach my Blog from here on out. I’ve always used Poetically Poised to display my poetry, and keep together who I was. I added on a blog at some point, and then it all just faded away over the last couple of years.

Never did I really speak of my life experiences bluntly online. Every poem and blog entry was quite indirect as to what or who I was speaking of. Everything got out on a surface level. Which worked well to help me heal over the wounds I was trying to let go of. But I never confronted any experience with total truth, not outwardly anyhow. Therefor all I ever did was heal, I’ve yet to completely let go.

For me there is a relief that comes with writing down my truth, or speaking it. I choose writing because it’s what I find security in, and it’s how I easily and fluently express myself. Once I document my truth, I don’t feel a conscious or subconscious weight from it anymore.

Besides it being my own self-therapy, I’m quite proud of the experiences I’ve had. No matter what negativity it brought at the time, or hurt it may have caused. Things of displeasure can make life all-the-more pleasurable in the end. With that being said, my point of pleasure and happiness has been reached. I feel I’ve only been able to come to the place I am, by using everything as a stepping stone and not living in regret (at least not more than a few days). It’s all a matter of “perspective”!

In speaking to Sara for the first time in a year this past week, she helped me to remember all the life I lived in ‘05. It’s too much for one conversation; too much for my mind to handle without going off in four directions.

Whenever I feel driven to, I will write as much as I can about my past year. Over time I would like to go back and document all of the memories I have, because some of them are hazy even now. Memories have been sparked, and I never want to forget.

I will write quite freely, without much explanation of those I speak of. Unless, of course, I’m writing about the times I first met them. In which case I’ll share my experiences of first encounters. Otherwise, I plan to make the “Friends” sub-page (top-right column) a place to reference those I speak of. I’m taking the time to complete that today, actually.

I believe I’ve better organized the top two columns of this blog. I split up the content of the two columns, into three seperate catagories each.? The links for each category are provided about the content of the two columns… It will bring up the according information within the same frame.
I also added a portion called “Friends”. It is basically a small page with brief descriptions of people I’m close to and will often speak of. As of now, it is not complete. I originally started to write out big paragraph descriptions of each person, and then realized how excessive that was. So, I decided to try and go with some simple keywords that pop into my head about each person…

I only think in sentence form. A good example of this are the two fields I put down for Christopher in the “Friends” section:

“Met in Person: On 2.24.05 ”
“Met On: His CS:Source gaming server”.

Basically what we have here, is a failed attempt at summarizing in few words. You can tell I tried, though…not really! I basically just took a sentence, split it up with a colon and took out “we”.

In other news: I have recently discovered that my digital voice recorder decided to spring legs and leave me. I believe it happened while I was away for the weekend at LAN Party 6. So, I shall just resort to my computer mic, which really isn’t too bad. I just really liked the portability of the recorder, and apparently the recorder liked the portability too. That’s why it’s no longer in my home!

I’ve been enjoying my days lately, because I’ve primarily been in the company of Christopher. With the holiday season, we went through a socializing frenzy. I’ve been so relieved that it’s over.
My hours are primarily spent web-designing, and I’m getting more and more in-tune with it again. At this point, I’m actually enjoying the coding more than the designing. Odd for me, because I’m normally quite visual.

On top of PoeticallyPoised.com, I’m to help Christopher with the new Hall of the Gods website. He’s completely re-designed the PHP BB forums, and it’s much more efficient, better organized and user friendly than any forum I’ve seen to date. My part comes in with the surrounding header/footer/side-column images, the graphics. I have several ideas, but I feel intimidated by this project I suppose. Christopher is doing something really great with the website, and I really want to contribute in a way that will flatter the basis.

I’m also up for a re-design of Christopher’s Mom’s buisiness website. I want to photo-manipulate her paintings in some fashion, and put it together as a site with her updated portfolio.

But in relation to PP.com, I should be having a My Fair Lady layout coming out quite soon… I’m serious! I’m not sure what section I’ll be using it for just yet, but just as soon as I figure that out I’ll zip right through.

I just wish the mind would take a horrible sleeping schedule; with little sleep, a little better. But instead of my body cherishing what little sleep it gets, my subconscious just works in Adobe Photoshop for another few hours. So really, I felt like I never slept at all. The irony, is that all that lost sleep and design work done, it wasn’t real! Insomnia is so cruel!